Sarcasm

Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything?

How do you know it’s nice to meet me?


                                       ***************************************


Do you ever just make scenarios in your head that will never happen but makes you so happy so you just keep on imagining them


                                  ******************************************

                                **************************************************


Do you say, "I don't insult people, I describe them"?

they be like "delete my number"

i be like....

           
            KEEP
           CALM
     IT WAS NEVER
           SAVED

People are like music.
Some speak truth, others are just noise.

She texted me: "Your adorable."
I replied: "No .YOU'RE adorable."
Now she likes me.
All I did was point out her typo.

That awkward moment when you want to laugh in a serious situation.

Everyone has experienced at times...
awkwardly standing there, as your friend is talking to someone you don't know.

I have a smart phone with a dumb battery.

what if your pillow could collect your dreams and when you wake up you plug it into your computer and watch them over again

The awkward moment when it's your birthday, and people are singing Happy Birthday to you, and you just stand there, clueless of what to do.

I love finding money in my clothes, it's like a gift to me from me

I’m really good at keeping secrets because five minutes later I forget what you told me because I don’t care.

I hate it when I look horrible in a group picture and the person that looks good refuses to delete it.

Finish the sentence:
I’m more afraid of leaving my phone unlocked around my family than I am of ...

Are you like that after you order something online

That awkward moment when you yawn and your eyes get teary, then people ask you why you're crying.

We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up... After I finish laughing.

when something funny happens i can guarantee you im that one friend who keeps laughing even though everyone else stopped 10 minutes ago

Joke: Viagra advertising slogans

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.

 

(This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff

 

The purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past Ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

 

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the Week went very well for everyone! 

The top 10  were:  

 

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4.Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2.Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

 

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.

Joke: The Model husband

2013 has been a busy year!

It was impossible to impress my wife!

She Claims I just don't understand!  

I just don't understand my wife. She's
always nagging me to keep things around the house fixed up.

I replaced the broken door latch on her car.

I installed new faucets in the kitchen sink.

I fixed the sagging kitchen cabinets.

I replaced the rotten steps by the front door.  

She wanted a Porta-Potty" for when we went camping.

She wanted more privacy in the bathroom.

I fixed everything she wanted.

And still, she isn't happy !

What more, must a MAN DO ??! 

A Picky Wife!!

Joke: Lovemaking Tips for Seniors‏

                                  Lovemaking  Tips For Seniors

 

1.   Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the  bed.

 

2.  Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

 

3.  Set the mood with lighting.. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

 

4.  Make sure you put  911 on your speed dial before you begin.

 

5.  Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

 

6.  Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under  the bed.

 

7.  Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the  act. 

 

8.  Make all the noise you want .... the neighbours are deaf,  too.

 

9.  If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

 

10.  Don't even think about trying it twice. . .  . . . . . . . . . . .

 

OLD'  IS WHEN Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' 

and you answer,  'Pick one; I can't do both!'

 

 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your  friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes 

and you're barefoot.

 

'OLD' IS WHEN...  'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

 

'OLD'  IS WHEN ....  'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

 

'OLD'  IS WHEN .... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

 

  (I  sent this in large type so you can read it)

Joke: Think before you speak‏

Here are six reasons why you should think
Before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that
you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did...

FIRST TESTIMONY: 
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back 
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY: 

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 
'I think I like playing with men's balls' 

THIRD TESTIMONY: 

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.  As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. 

I replied, ' No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' 

My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. 

To this day, my sister has never let me forget. 

FOURTH TESTIMONY: 

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. 

I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' 

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. 

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. 

FIFTH TESTIMONY: 

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. 

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. 

I then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty 
in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' .. 

I kept thinking  'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' 

Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. 

Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? 

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. 

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! 

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: 

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. 

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 

'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you 
promised me last night?' 

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Joke : Air Show Disaster

Air Show Disaster - AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS 
 This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events. 
Amazing photo below shows great detail.  The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.  It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.  One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings. 

No one was killed, 
but it probably scared 
the shit out of them.  
  When you stop laughing 
send it to someone else 
who needs a good laugh.

Joke: difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? 

Well, here it is:
 
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.
 
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. 
He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very
disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their 
granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.
 
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather 
who was still in bed.  "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"  he asked.
 
Not really,  PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing Obamalover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
 
"We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun"

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?